I went to the supermarket on Saturday night, to buy a few things for our unintentional vegetarian meal. We didnât plan on any animal sacrifices. Then I saw the sign:
I asked Chris if we should try it. I didnât ask âHey, do you think we should bring home two lobsters, murder them, take out their flesh and eat it?â
It was more like âHey, do you think we should try making lobster for dinner?â
So Innocent. So Naive.
(Youâll have to read my torturous story or scroll all the way down to get the recipe)
I stood in front of the huge mass of lobsters on ice, staring, contemplating, like so many times before. Only before, I chickened out and left lobsterless. But this timeâ¦something was calling meâ¦.
(In a high, squeaky voice) âPick me! Pick me! Iâm DELICIOUS!â
As I turned to my side, I saw that it wasnât an actual lobster speaking to me, but a guy who worked in the seafood department, and he (NO JOKE) had picked up a lobster by its two claws, used it as a puppet, and acted as the ventriloquist.
I looked at him like he was utterly out of his mind. He set it down, cleared his throat and said, âNo really, they are delicious. You should bring one home.â Then he walked away.
After staring at the lobster pile some more, I decided, what the hell, Iâll take two. Because of the following reasons:
- If I love lobsters so much, and I make other people kill them for me for MY dinner, shouldnât I go through the process myself?
Okay, so thatâs the only reason. I thought I had more but every other reason mimics the one above. But I eat cows, pigs, chickens, fish, shrimp, etc. Look at all the shrimp that had to be sacrificed for my shrimp cocktail. And at some point in time we made up different names for parts of the cow: steak, beef, rib eye, chuck, filet mignon, blah blah blah. But basically youâre just eating some part of a COW. A cow that goes Mooooo and there were cute pictures of cute cows in all your coloring books when you were little and had to learn what kinds of animals lived on farms and what kinds of sounds each of them make but no one ever told you that hamburgers came from cows because in your child-like reality they just came from the supermarket right thatâs where hamburgers came from the supermarket and we all never grew up since then and never gave it another thought that the cute little cow in your coloring book was actually on your dinner table.
So donât judge me as youâre chowing down on that burger.
And I know the black & white cows were actually just for milking, but you get the point Iâm trying to make.
And another thing â Itâs fine if you donât have a preference for lobster, or seafood in general, but if you use the reason of how itâs inhumane to kill lobsters for food then I suggest you go figure out where your beef comes from. Oh, you donât want to? Itâs tough, isnât it?
This was tough for me too, and I hate myself for never doing it SOONER. All this time I expected, no, TAKEN FOR GRANTED that I can just buy animals for food, all packaged nicely at the supermarket. I mean, thatâs what butchers are for, right? So we donât have to feel bad.
What kind of society do we live in now, where we arenât mindful?
Iâm not announcing that Iâve become a vegetarian, or that I think eating meat is evil. To me, plants are alive too. Weâre sacrificing them as well. None of that bullshit of âplants donât feel pain, or crustaceans donât feel pain, or cows donât feel pain.â Itâs not about pain for me. Itâs just about being mindful of what goes into preparing other beings as food so you can eat and survive. Thatâs it. For now.
If I canât prepare a lobster or two myself, how can I pretend someone else isnât doing it for me in the back of a restaurant kitchen?
And Iâm not announcing how Iâm better than anyone for doing this. Iâm a pansy. I was shaking as I picked up each lobster and threw it in the pot of steaming water..
Weâve never used this steamer we had for years. I took it out of the pantry, washed it and poured a few inches of water in the bottom of the pot.
ââ¦â¦Lobsterrrr killerrrrâ¦..you kill Lobsters!â
This is what happens when you take your husband to see Julie & Julia. If you saw the movie, youâll understand why he thought this was hilarious to say.
ââ¦â¦Candyâ¦.donât put me in the steamer! Lobster killerrrrrrr!â
Ok, I donât know if he really said that, or if it was in my head, or if it was the lobster talking.
Iâm never taking Chris to a chick flick/foodie movie ever again.
That was the hard part. Everything else was a little easier from that point on.
I put it into a cold bath just so the meat would contract from the shell and make it easier to take out. Iâm probably doing it wrong, but I felt like it made sense as I did it. If you know a better way, well, do it your way I guess. This was my first time.
Will it be my last time? Not sure.
I sure look like I know what the hell Iâm doing. Wow. Surprisingly Chris did. My mom taught him how to cut apart a lobster since she couldnât teach me for years. So that way if we ever bought lobsters for ourselves, heâd do the cutting up and Iâd do the cooking part.
So he talked me through it step-by-step and took pictures. I figured at this point I had to finish the job. Chris wasnât an accessory to murder, he just drove the getaway car from the supermarket home. And took pictures. And guided me through the process.
First, you tear the claws off (photo above). Which is easily done after it is cooked.
Using a large cleaver (or the largest, sharpest knife you can find) cut the tail to separate from the body. Then, pierce the center of the tail with the tip of the knife, and slice down the center of the tail. Do the same with the other side, until the whole tail is cut in half.
Professional chefs can cringe at this point, as I looked at the head, not knowing what to DO with it, and chucked it into the trash. Such a wasteâ¦.
These were soft shell lobsters too, so the shell was easily crackable. Crackableâ¦is that even a word?
I personally think I did a beautiful job. All the lobster meat was perfect, intact in large clumps.
Butâ¦what to DO with all the lobster meat? I had some French bread I planned on toasting for bruschetta (the meal I intended on making had it not been for the lobster sale sign at the supermarket). I also had a Cheesewiches recipe from Chrisâs grandma posted on the fridge for the past 2 years .
So I used it and substituted lobster for bacon.
Donât you love my thought process? You thought I had this alllllll planned out!
Making a cheesy, buttery mixture with the lobster meat, I spread it on toasted French bread.
Put it in the oven to broil for 5 minutes until golden.
It makes an elegant looking appetizer. It tasted pretty damn good too. But was it worth it? Did it taste better since I did it all by myself? That can be debated.
Lobster-wiches (bad name, I know)
Approx. 10 slices of sliced French bread
- 2 lobsters (2 lbs total), steamed, meat taken out and chopped
- 3 Tbsp. butter
- 2 Tbsp. mayonnaise
- 2 oz. shredded mozzarella
- 2 oz. shredded cheddar
- dried parsley
- 1/4 lemon, juiced
1) When purchasing the lobsters, ask the seafood dept. how long you should steam it for. My lobsters were very small, and soft shelled. Times vary depending on weight and whether itâs soft shelled or hard shelled.
2) Fill steamer with 2 inches of water, heat on high to boil. Put lobsters in. Steam. Take out and put into a cold, icy bath (or wait for it to cool on itâs own).
3) Take meat out of the shell and put on a plate (instructions with photos above). Chop up into pieces.
4) Set oven to broil. Cut up slices of French bread. Drizzle olive oil on top. Broil for 1-2 minutes, watching carefully.
4) In a mixing bowl, mix butter, mayo, mozzarella, cheddar. Add chopped lobster meat. Sprinkle paprika, salt, pepper and lemon juice. Spread on toasted bread. Broil for 5 minutes or until golden and bubbly. Sprinkle with parsley.
5) Help me come up with a better name for âLobster-wichesâ.