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The past few months

The past few months

The past few months have been full of stress, confusion, despair, and mourning, with moments of relief, followed by weeks of even more stress. It has not been an easy ride. And while we told our immediate families the good news, we (or I) held back the hell I was going through.

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Back in January, Chris suggested we go out for frozen yogurt. Prior to fro-yo, he drove to the store where he insisted we buy a bunch of pregnancy tests. He tricked me. Of course, we still had fro-yo after going to the store…so I couldn’t stay mad at him. I didn’t think I was (or could get) pregnant, and figured I was just a few days late. So after we came home I took the test and I saw what I thought were two pink lines. Excited wasn’t the emotion I was feeling, it was more like…shock.

So, how did my husband know and I didn’t? Maybe he never gave up hope, when I had a long time ago.

Fast forward a few weeks later. I call my doctor’s office asking them about a problem with my pregnancy, they tell me I must go to the Emergency Room immediately. I’m glossing over the details here, because I don’t want to get into exactly what happened. Basically, after 7-8 hours of sitting in the ER, the doctor comes to tell me my miscarriage is inevitable based on what he’s seen, and I should be prepared. I asked him how positive he was about his diagnosis. He said in every case he’s seen like mine, a miscarriage is definite. The doctor leaves. The nurse suggests we can get tests later on to determine why I can’t keep a pregnancy. We nod and leave.

I expected the worst to happen so it wasn’t a big surprise. I didn’t cry. I also wasn’t angry. After our first miscarriage, I prepared myself for disappointment. It’s not a very positive outlook in life, but it certainly feels better than having false hope taken away.

My doctor’s office asks me to come in to test my Hcg levels. I ask them what the point was, if I was going to miscarry anyways? The nurse tells me to be patient, and they want to wait and see to be absolutely sure if I really lost the baby or not. So, I do their stupid tests as they tell me not to lose hope yet. At this point, I hate everyone now. I stop talking to people. I stop writing this blog. I even have morning sickness that I swear was just in my head, because, how can I have morning sickness if there’s no baby inside? I just want to be alone and miserable.

Later on, I go into the office for another ultrasound. I’m prepared for them to tell me there’s no baby again, and to give me my options. Wasn’t it enough that I already went through this in the ER? It was torture to listen to bad news over and over again. My ob-gyn walks in, does the ultrasound and states, very matter of factly, that the baby was in there. In fact, it was the exact size it should have been, and with a strong heartbeat.

I’m not ecstatic or happy at this point. Again, I’m too damn confused to be ecstatic or happy. I told my doctor that while I’m relieved, I’m not ready to accept it yet. I had just accepted the fact I was going through another miscarriage. My feelings don’t turn themselves around that fast since I needed to rationalize everything first.

For the next couple months, I went to the doctor’s office weekly to make sure things were going the way they were supposed to. They gave me ultrasounds to reassure me things were ok. While the ultrasounds gave me relief and comfort, it would only last a few days, then I would end up worrying and paranoid again. It got to the point that every night before an ultrasound, I would stay up the whole night, or have nightmares they would tell me I lost the baby again. I was so used to bad news that I didn’t know how to react to good news.

In the last weeks of the 1st trimester, our families were anxious to tell the good news to everyone. I wanted to hold off. Until when? Maybe after the baby pops out after 9 months, that’s when I’ll tell everyone the news. Or maybe after he/she graduates college. But good news doesn’t ever stay a secret for long. Once it started leaking out here and there, I couldn’t hide it anymore. In fact, my parents are planning to announce the news to my extended family this weekend. I guess my fear was, in a way, superstitious; that once it started getting out, something bad would happen. I liked having the secret to myself, and maybe that was selfish, but I felt like I could control the situation better that way.

Since I didn’t get to announce the news to people yet (besides my brother and one friend), I wanted to write all this so all the readers know what we’ve been going through the past few months. I can’t imagine what my husband was going through, and he certainly can’t imagine what I was going through.  In fact, nobody really knew what I was going through. I’m still not ready to be excited. Once I’m excited, I’m afraid it’ll be taken away again.

The stress has been dissipating. Morning sickness is virtually gone and I’ve arrived successfully into the 2nd trimester. I still curse the ER doctor that gave me that total misdiagnosis. How can one doctor be so sure I would lose the pregnancy, while another doctor was so positive everything was fine? It still bothers me today. Sometimes I daydream that I storm into the ER and punch him in the face.

 

 

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Here are my first pictures from the ultrasound. I actually have pictures from 7 weeks on, but I don’t think you guys want to see a little tadpole looking thing with an external heart protruding and thumping out of its little tadpole body. As you can see, that’s the profile picture above.

 

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Here is the baby waving. It’s still skinny looking because it hasn’t developed much fat yet. We even saw him/her sucking on his/her thumb.

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Aughhhh! What is THAT?! “Take me to your leader…….”

Since most hormonal pregnant women probably tear up and get all mushy when looking at the ultrasound, I mentioned in private to Chris after the doctor left, that the baby carried a slight resemblance to Skeletor. You know, He Man’s half brother or whatever. Chris was like, “Yea! That’s exactly what I was thinking too!!” We laughed. It was the first time we made fun of our baby together. We should be nicer parents.

skeletor Here’s another picture from the ultrasound. You can see that he’s also grown a blue suit and using a very effeminate hand gesture. Just kidding.

I hope that I made you laugh after I depressed the hell out of you with our story of the past few months. I’ll give you updates every now and then, but this will still be a food blog, of course. Have a great weekend everyone.



21 thoughts on “The past few months”

  • aww, I’m so happy that things are going well still! the day you go into labor, make sure to make a pit stop to find that ER doctor, show him your belly, tell him “what you think ’bout that foo?!”, THEN punch him in the face. because really, it’s the only logical thing to do at this point 😉
    but thank you for sharing this 🙂 I’m still keeping ya in my thoughts and prayers everyday!
    xoxo!!
    p.s. your baby looks great in blue! lol

  • I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, but SO excited for you that things have improved!! I say punch the azzhat ER Dr. in the throat!!

  • I’m so sorry that these months have been like hell. I can’t imagine all you’ve been through, but am so RELIEVED that little Skeletor is doing fine. But what would be even better revenge than punching your doctor in the face is to leak his name on your blog. Then anytime any of your readers go by SD, they can all stop by and punch his face on your behalf. It’ll be like the gift that keeps on giving. Asshole.

  • Thanks for all the comments everyone. 🙂 It’s nice to finally tell my side of the story, after waiting so long, and have you understand all my frustrations. I’m so glad everyone wants to punch face as much as I do. Thanks for also being so patient while I ignored this blog for so long.

    Skeletor/Skeletora sends its love.

  • Tears. forming. now. I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! I know you’re trying not to get too excited, but at least reduce your stress levels so they don’t affect your baby. You should try relaxation exercises, yoga, or something. You need to take care of yourself as well. Please take care of yourself. I’ll be thinking and praying for you.

    P.S. LOL @ Skeletor!! You two are going to be fun parents!!

  • I’m so sorry you had to go through such a terrible time. So happy that things are going well now. Congrats 🙂

  • i ABSOLUTELY know how this goes, but i don’t have any words of encouragement, because it’s a rocky road, my friend, and you are in the worst of it NOW. maybe that helps? it’ll get better from here?

    i have a heart shaped/bicornuate/tipped uterus that leaves me with about a 2 percent chance of carrying a pregnancy to term. after a couple of miscarriages, one in particular that left me in the er, similar to yourself, the doctors told me to pretty much give up and focus on my career instead of children. but my hcg levels were doubling and at ten weeks we saw the previously-pronounced doomed tiny fetus and she eventually came out a very healthy, scored 9 and 10 on her apgars, baby. but there wasn’t a second i wasn’t worried about her, to the point where i didn’t know if my morning sickness wasn’t indeed chemical or mental.

    it’s different if you’ve had trouble getting pregnant. i never had a baby shower or anything like that because i never considered that i would actually have a baby until they put her down on my stomach, alive and breathing and healthy. and even after that, it took a while for it to settle it. but now i don’t put her in the grocery cart when i can carry her, she falls asleep in my arms instead of a crib and she and i are happier for it.

    i don’t have any words of encouragement because you know it’s hard but i promise you it will be worth it, every drop of the anxiety, doubt, sheer terror. when the other parents at the park put their children down in the stroller, you’ll hold your baby and that will make all the difference in the world to your child.

    you’re in the clear. if something was going to go wrong, it would have gone wrong by now. i was a biologist, i knew this but it didn’t make any difference… if you ever need anyone to talk to ever you can email me or call me or anything you need. i am mega happy for you, eventually you’ll forget all about this until you see your story again on your favorite food blog <3 <3
    bonnie
    secondvalence@aol.com
    5057204244

  • Sending you lots of hugs. I am thrilled at the news of your pregnancy and I pray that all will continue to go well.

    Looking forward to more updates.

  • Candy! Congrats on the LO (little one)! For the past 3 years and a miscarriage, I too have agonized over fertility issues & the Docs say that we’ll have to go the IVF route to have a baby. Well, lo and behold, a true miracle happened…as were waiting for my cycle to start IVF…our baby girl decided she wanted to be our miracle. I’m 26 weeks tomorrow and thrilled to pieces! Have faith and believe. Your LO seems to be the miracle and trooper that you’ve dreamt about for years. My Mom works in the medical profession & she doesn’t trust a single Doc. She researches and gets many opinions before any major decisions. So remember that you have to look out for yourself and your baby. And punch that Doc out for me too!!! Thank you so much for sharing and believe in miracles because you have one on the way!!! 🙂 Congrats and take one week at a time!!!

  • Congratulations! YOu really deserve a beautiful baby! Please keep us updated. I actually came on your blog to let you know that I made your mini apple pies last weekend and they were the best apple pies I’ve ever had! I know it probably doesn’t mean much with all that you’re going through but I thought you might wanna know that your recipes are very much appreciated.

  • Chowlinda – Thank you!

    Hummingbird – I kept hoping there would be a happy ending too 🙂

    Memoria – I have been doing yoga, which is the only thing that helps my stress and sleep. Who knew simple breathing exercises could help you fall asleep?

    Anu – Thanks 🙂

    Chiara – Skeletor’s parents are going to be the biggest couple of dorks.

    Bonnie – It’s tough when people brush off what your worries are and just tell you ‘everything’s going to be fine’ or ‘you’re just paranoid’. I have a right to be worried. Doctors have always given me enough reasons to be worried or stressed out. There is no way I will never NOT be worried either. Some pregnancies are harder than others, and I know from reading your experiences that you understand this. Just gotta take it one day at a time. I’ve just reached the point in this pregnancy (13.5 weeks) that was the same time I miscarried in my first pregnancy. And due to some problems (nothing that serious) I’m suppose to rest and take it easy now. No lifting, no laundry, no shopping, nothing. I’m suppose to sit on the couch or lay in bed. It’s frustrating as hell, but I’ll just suck it up and deal with it. I know in the end it will all be worth it. Thanks for understanding and writing your story as well.

    Cynthia – Thank you 🙂

    Chau – Congrats on your pregnancy as well! I’m happy things are going well for you too. My husband works in the field too and is always skeptical of what doctors say to us. I think doctors are always flabbergasted when he’ll question them about something specific and they don’t know how to answer. Once they know what he does, they talk to us differently. I’ve learned to take what everyone says as just an opinion based on the amount of knowledge/experience they have, and not as fact. I’m too trusting I guess…

    Jen – Thanks 🙂

    Cookie – I’m glad you liked the apple pies! It’s always appreciated and makes my day, stress or no stress. Thank you 🙂

  • Aww congrats dear! I can’t imagine the emotional turmoil you and your hubby went through but very glad it’s all better now. Hugs

  • happened to stop by today to see if you’d updated your blog, and i’m soooo happy for you! i’ve missed your sense of humor and pictures.

    i’m an occasional visitor and rare poster — but i’d been thinking about you. very glad to hear that you and hubby and baby are doing well. continued good luck to you!

  • congratulations!!!! you must be about 7 months along now…I’m sorry that you had to go through all that. My sis in law had the same problem, but now i have a happy 11month old nephew. 🙂

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