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I wish I wrote this but I didn’t.

I found this on a pregnancy forum and thought it’d be funny to pass onto you guys. I hope you get a good chuckle out of it. I did 🙂

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women, as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me – then you should probably read this twice.

1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.

2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.

3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…

4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.

6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.

7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.

8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World



33 thoughts on “I wish I wrote this but I didn’t.”

  • I disagree with #2. There are parents who adopt and there are same-sex partners with children where one or both of the children did not actually have the children.

    Otherwise, this was very interesting. I guess it is pretty nerve-wracking being pregnant in the midst of non-pregnant women. Wow. I never knew. Thanks for sharing this.

  • Memoria – I know the post isn’t politically correct, and I understand what you’re saying. But the way I read it, it was about how grandparents or great-grandparents lay claim to the baby as ‘our baby’ or ‘my baby’.

    So I’d have to say that the full sentence “Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents.” is true in the sense of parent vs. grandparent and never stated that adoptive or same-sex parents weren’t ‘real’ parents.

    Plus this post was supposed to be for fun, not taken seriously…

  • OMG I loved this! Everything listed is sooo true! I have 4 kids, and people just don’t get it….kid after kid after kid. Thank you for my first laugh of the day.

  • Puppydogs – Most things don’t bother me if it happens one, or maybe twice…but after receiving the same comments 10+ times it sort of gets on your nerves! Then I read this post and feel better again.

    Concerning #1 – Instead of a mere ‘congrats’, the two worst reactions I’ve ever received were:
    – “Was it planned/a mistake?”
    – “Congrats…if that’s what you really wanted.”

  • Hahaha, I would’ve thought you wrote this had you not said anything 😀
    Thanks for the laugh and hope you are doing well!! 🙂

  • I should post this at work. We are having a string of pregnancies in the office and the one lady when she was almost due got told by all the other mommys that her nose was swollen and it meant she would deliver soon. Really?!! I’ve never been pregnant, but that is a craptastic way to “compliment” someone! Craziness. I wish you lots of luck dealing with these kinds of ppl!

  • Neighbor in SD – I know!! Hope you are doing well too 🙂

    Jennifer – That’s hilarious about the swollen nose comment. Non-pregnancy related, when I was at work one time, someone came up and told me I looked like crap and I must’ve been sick or not slept the night before. I was completely healthy…and slept fine. Gee thanks…. 😛

  • I LOVED this (even though I’m done having babies). I think pregnant woman should have this as a card that they can hand out whenever someone violates any of the guidelines.

  • As a mother of a pregnant women in the hospital giving birth as we speak, these are wonderful words of wisdom. I never want to be the “overbearing grandma”. This is great.

  • I just found your blog today! A friend was looking for looking a squash recipe. And stumbled upon your blog. I’m expecting my first child at the end of the August or beginning of September.

    This post just cracks me up! I pretty sure its time for me to carry a fork in my purse to eat the people who are dumb. Just last week, in a matter of 5 days, 2 strangers told me how “miserable” looked! WHAT?!? I had no stains on my shirt! I had make up on! The 2nd person was definitely eaten. I mean, I’m almost 9 months pregnant! I’m hungry!

    I’d like to post this letter on my blog too with your permission! Plus, I’ll of course give a shout out to your blog also. (Although, you should know that only my mom reads my blog!) 😉

    I’m looking forward to reading more and more! Take Care!

    PS – You look fabulous!

  • Sheila – Congrats on your pregnancy! You’re one month ahead of me. I hope everything is going well for you. I like the idea of eating people who piss you off. I can’t believe people would tell you that you look miserable. Bring some bbq sauce along with your fork next time 😛 And yes, of course you can post this letter on your blog! I found it on a pregnancy forum and it’s been going around the pregnancy blogosphere for awhile now. We all need a good laugh once in awhile.

  • I absolutely adore your honesty on this.

    Everything here is what I was trying to say to everyone throughout my first pregnancy.

    I’m just going to print it out and give it out this time.

  • This seems completely alien to me! I would never think of doing those things to a pregnant woman, or saying them, and I don’t think I know anyone who would. 😛
    Must be an age thing. Or maybe the author just knows a lot of crazy people!

  • Rei – when I was first pregnant I once got a ‘Congrats – if that’s what you really wanted’. I also got a ‘Was it on purpose?’ 😛

  • This is too funny! I am expecting baby #2 in the middle of the summer. I never knew how many times I would be told how hot I’m going to be… I hate when people are captain obvious. Nevermind the whole belly touching thing. It makes me feel really awkward every single time.

  • I love this post- I have had at least 5-6 people ask to come to appointments with me, come to ultrasounds, be there when the baby is born, move in to help me out…

    I understand the miracle of life and everything, but those are stilly MY private parts, and they are remaining private! The only people seeing those parts are my husbands, the trained professionals, my son as he comes out of them!

    I don’t ask to go to your gyno appointments, don’t ask to go to mine!

  • Janet – Congrats on baby #2! You are gonna be sooooo uncomfortably hot, you know that? 😛 My dad suggested I shouldn’t go out from June – August while I was pregnant to solve the problem of overheating, haha.

    Alexis – For annual pap smears I send out invitations to my relatives and friends. We usually have cake afterwards.

  • I think that this post is terrible. I am the mother of three daughters and, although I agree that people often say inappropriate things that they shouldn’t as in 1, 4, 5 & 6, I don’t agree at all about the author’s thoughts on grandparents. They must have had very overbearring parents. I would never have thought about not inviting my parents to see their grandchild for three weeks and thinking that I was then giving them the “privilege” of letting them see my baby. My parents took excellent care of me growing up and I would not dream of insulting them that way. They loved me and love my children equally, given half the chance. We also respected each other enough that I could tell them when we needed time to ourselves like the loved family members they are, rather than the intruding, inconveniences this post makes them out to be.
    My mother often gave me her insight on what she did when she was raising her children and I appreciated it. She always gave her opinions out of a feeling of goodwill and was never offended when I chose a different option for my children. Rest assured, there were many times I found that my parents’ opinions were, in fact, correct.
    I am now a grandparent myself and am eternally thankful that my daughter did not behave the way the post suggests she should. She and her husband wanted the birth to be private and I respected that. I was, however, at the hospital, awaiting the news. It wasn’t just for the birth news, but to find out how MY daughter was after it all. Now that my granddaughter is 1 1/2, I know for certain that I couldn’t love her any more than I would had I delivered her myself.
    I think that the readers of this post should consider the feelings of family members around them and although boundaries do need to be set and maintained, family who want to share in the love and joy of your growing family should be allowed to do so at the EARLIEST convenience.

  • All I can say to this is….AMEN! hahahah i know it is a “joke”, but all of these things happened to me when I was pregnant. At 21 years old, I was NOT expecting any of this! And I know, it might seem a little far-fetched to say that all of this happened, but it truly did! my FATHER-IN-LAW even barged in during my ultrasound! I didn’t know what to do, so I just told him to stand the other way in the corner! sorry, but there’s no reason for him to see more of my body than I would let anyone besides my husband see! it was AWFUL. when it came time to deliver, I told my husband NO ONE was allowed at the hospital. And he was a gem about it–kicked everyone out haha! And he didn’t care in the slightest about offending people. I love my husband. (:

  • i’m super tired of people who decide to open their legs and pop out kids thinking that they are special for having done so. i have a hard time saying congratulations and especially seeming enthusiastic when people have been doing this for centuries. Also, there are far too many people breeding these days, perhaps if you desire to raise another human being you should consider adopting some that are already here on this planet and need a good home.

  • wow stephanie. adoption is a wonderful thing but costs $30,000 plus, so for those of us blessed enough to have our own its a bit cheaper to just ,as you say, “pop one out”. Im sorry that you have such hatred in your heart, I sincerely hope you find love somewhere out there because it is apparent you feel unloved and also need attention, so here, im giving it to you, no need to lash back now. To sound cheesy but to state truth, Jesus loves you. On another note, I thought this was hilarious and right on!

  • I’m a grandmother x3.8 (due this month), and I clearly remember these exact feelings during my own four pregnancies, though the horror stories from complete strangers in the ladies’ were not mentioned. Actually, this should be printed up on cards with check-boxes next to each offense, so one could hand it to the remains of the offenders with the appropriate offense(s) checked off at the end of each encounter, (in which I am assuming the inclusion of the barbeque sauce and forks).
    My daughter-in-law is nearing her due-date, actually, and has eyes that can reduce you to ashes if you mess up. I hang loose….

  • I wish I had this when I was pregnant! My husband and I had the hardest time imaginable keeping my well-meaning-but-oh-so-annoying mother out of our business. In fact, one time she was supposed to come to an ultrasound with me but started an enormous argument (to the point that she yelled at me in public and grabbed my arm… Yeah, like I wasn’t in my mid-20s) so I didn’t let her come to the ultrasound. EVERYONE in my family flipped out like I didn’t have any say whether I wanted my then-psychotic mother in the same room with me. I was treated like garbage for 2 weeks after that.

    BUT in the end she was in my delivery room along with my husband and older sister. It was wonderful 🙂

  • P.s. I know of people who have been waiting on adopting children even from other countries for 8+ years. A pastor and his wife. Then another couple who waited and waited to adopt a child, finally did, and the child died of RSV 3 days later he had contracted in the hospital. Adoption is extremely difficult, financially and emotionally. Some people can’t handle it. It’s not that easy to get pregnant either and a lot of people have tried more than just “opening their legs” to get there. I’m not even going to continue arguing this because it honestly sounds like jealousy. I’ve never heard someone talk that way about pregnancy without having jealousy issues over the attention couples get for bringing new life into the world. Get it? NEW LIFE. It may have been done since the beginning of a sexual species, but it’s no less of a miracle that two single cells can develop into something so complex.

  • When my husband and I announced we were pregnant (to our very conservative southern families while we were living in California) we had several people say “oh, we thought you got married cause you were pregnant.” (Um yes. And we waited an entire year before telling everyone that we’re 2 months along.) Also, my dimwit father in law told me I was ‘hurting the baby’ by not wearing maternity clothes at 5 months. (I weighed 98lbs when I got pregnant. I was barely in regular size medium by 5 months!) And we als had people say they hoped we weren’t going to name our son some hippy california pothead name. His name is Jaxon. And we won’t even go into all the questions about my age! (I was 20). I still get evil looks. My son is almost 5. I’m almost 25. But yes, I am definitely 15 years old. I had him when I was 10. Obviously.

  • I so saw this on BBC.

    Also, number to was in regard to in laws touching her tummy and calling the baby theirs..
    This isn’t about children, but the daily crap people tell, say, or do to the mother carrying the baby.
    I’m sure an adoptive family will be allowed to call their child “my baby”

    Hopefully, people learn to read and comprehend what it is they are reading.

  • My fiance and I have been experiencing many of these things since becoming preggo. :/ So far, I haven’t had too many people come up and touch my belly. Mainly my fiance’s father…..which to me makes me extremely uncomfortable given my own mother doesn’t just walk up and touch me like that. He even started talking to me in a baby voice….Not talking to my baby in the womb…to ME that way….like I have mentally and physically reduced age since becoming pregnant. Oh and the lovely constant advice from everyone…don’t lift too much, dont put your hands above your head, why are you doing this by yourself?….blah blah blah…like i cant tell when my body is telling me too much? I know it is well meant…but when ALL of the soon to be grandparents say the SAME thing in one day to me…just because i am moving some boxes around? Dont they know that pregnancy hormones have made my temper more severe and my mouth looser? I really needed this post though! Thanks…sorry for the rant! The fiance and I have been having a difficult time controlling the grandparents….who arent even grandparents yet and are already trying to control everything that we do…looks like it is time to stop being polite about it. lol. gotta get out the big guns now

  • Is there any advice for a mother to say to a grandparent who is planning on visiting without an invitation and bringing an Alzheimer’s relative to hold my newborn? Other than “Are you effing crazy?”, I’m at a true loss for words.

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