My ‘Why is Mommy mad at me?’ look.
12:20am – Wake up for the day shortly after midnight. Since I can only sleep plastered against mommy or daddy, I scream on the top of my lungs for someone to wake up and get me out of my crib. Eventually someone lumbers in half asleep and takes me to snuggle. It’d be easier if they just didn’t put me in the crib and let me sleep with them to begin with. For the next few hours I get up from bed, climb around them, try to play with the radio on the nightstand, poke daddy in the eye repeatedly with my index finger, kick mommy in the face, you know, stuff to keep me entertained since I’m positively bored out of my mind for the next 6 or so hours.
6:00am – Daddy drags himself into the bathroom to shower and get ready for work. Work is a place where Daddy goes and sits at a desk and types on a computer. He does the same thing at home when he plays computer games. I don’t know why daddy has to go to work to play computer games, though. I whine in bed for Daddy to come back to bed but he doesn’t hear me since he’s groaning about how tired he is. For the next 2 billion hours I push Mommy and demand for her to get up and take me downstairs. I use words like, “Get up Mommy, Get up get up GET UP!!!”as I push her large sloth-like body out of bed. She covers her face with a blanket and tells me to go play. What a fun game. I get under the blankets too. She eventually takes me downstairs.
9:00am – Mommy turns on Sesame Street and I watch Elmo as I play with my toys. Mommy gives me orange juice and tells me not to drink all of it at once. Why wouldn’t I drink it all if she gave me an entire cupful?! I chug it all then puke all over the carpet shortly after. Mommy groans that it’s too early for this (for what?) and is scrubbing the carpet with this white foam stuff.
9:15am – Mommy feeds me this disgusting stuff called oatmeal. I ask for cookies and she says no. I ask for ice cream and she says no again. I ask for ice cream and she says no a third time. I ask for cookies and she says no. I realize if I keep asking for the same things over and over, eventually I may get cookies or ice cream. This goes on as she stuffs mouthfuls of oatmeal into my mouth. She hands me a sippy cup full of milk. How silly of Mommy, no toddler wants to drink milk out of a sippy cup. Juice in sippy cup, fine. But milk belongs in a bottle. I make a face and throw sippy cup on floor. Mommy sighs and pours milk into a bottle, looking defeated. I happily take bottle and drink it.
10am – 12 Noon – Mommy tells me she’s taking me somewhere in the car. I hope it’s the playground but it always turns out it’s the grocery store or what Mommy calls ‘errands’. She always thinks these errands are exciting for me, but I’m getting tired of sitting in these shopping carts. I lick the shopping cart handle to see what it tastes like. A passerby at the store gives me a dirty look. What else can I do sitting here, besides eat the shopping cart handle, is the look I shot the passerby back with. Mommy looks embarrassed.
12 noon – Mommy feeds me something disgusting again, this time something ‘from scratch’ as she calls it. Whatever this ‘from scratch’ is, please don’t make it again. Just give me my regular canned chicken noodle soup please. Or ice cream.
12:30 – 2:00pm – Since I’m bored out of my mind I entertain myself by throwing toys all over the floor, taking the dvds out of the cabinets, and go exploring with my stepstool.
2:00 – 4:00pm – I nap. As I nap, Mommy cleans 3 bathrooms, all the countertops, light switches, doorknobs and fancy wainscoting that was splattered with tomato sauce (sorry I have clumsy reflexes!) from the day before. The minute she finishes and sits down on the couch, my psychic abilities let me know it’s time to get up too. I scream until she fetches me from the crib, as she mumbles something about ‘never having any time to herself’.
4:00 – 6:00pm – Repeat what I did between 12:30 – 2:00pm (see above) until daddy comes home.
6:00 – 6:30pm – Daddy’s home daddy’s home! I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life! “Daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy!!!!!” We play and run around the house as mommy cooks dinner (hopefully not ‘from scratch’).
6:30pm – Mommy eats wine for dinner and daddy eats some mysterious liquor cocktail. They also eat their ‘from scratch’ dinners and talk using big words. Mommy complains about her day and daddy complains about his day. Nobody asks me about my day. I fidget in my seat and pick at my food. I ask for ice cream and DADDY GETS ME ICE CREAM YAY!!!! I love daddy.
7:00pm – I help daddy water the lawn but end up watering myself, soaking my clothes and shoes. Daddy takes me upstairs for my bath. Mommy is still finishing her wine dinner.
8:00pm – Sit on couch and read books, dance with mommy and daddy to 80s music, then help clean up toys. Someone takes me to bed. I get up 3 hours later to start the day all over again.