The past few months have been full of stress, confusion, despair, and mourning, with moments of relief, followed by weeks of even more stress. It has not been an easy ride. And while we told our immediate families the good news, we (or I) held back the hell I was going through.
Back in January, Chris suggested we go out for frozen yogurt. Prior to fro-yo, he drove to the store where he insisted we buy a bunch of pregnancy tests. He tricked me. Of course, we still had fro-yo after going to the store…so I couldn’t stay mad at him. I didn’t think I was (or could get) pregnant, and figured I was just a few days late. So after we came home I took the test and I saw what I thought were two pink lines. Excited wasn’t the emotion I was feeling, it was more like…shock.
So, how did my husband know and I didn’t? Maybe he never gave up hope, when I had a long time ago.
Fast forward a few weeks later. I call my doctor’s office asking them about a problem with my pregnancy, they tell me I must go to the Emergency Room immediately. I’m glossing over the details here, because I don’t want to get into exactly what happened. Basically, after 7-8 hours of sitting in the ER, the doctor comes to tell me my miscarriage is inevitable based on what he’s seen, and I should be prepared. I asked him how positive he was about his diagnosis. He said in every case he’s seen like mine, a miscarriage is definite. The doctor leaves. The nurse suggests we can get tests later on to determine why I can’t keep a pregnancy. We nod and leave.
I expected the worst to happen so it wasn’t a big surprise. I didn’t cry. I also wasn’t angry. After our first miscarriage, I prepared myself for disappointment. It’s not a very positive outlook in life, but it certainly feels better than having false hope taken away.
My doctor’s office asks me to come in to test my Hcg levels. I ask them what the point was, if I was going to miscarry anyways? The nurse tells me to be patient, and they want to wait and see to be absolutely sure if I really lost the baby or not. So, I do their stupid tests as they tell me not to lose hope yet. At this point, I hate everyone now. I stop talking to people. I stop writing this blog. I even have morning sickness that I swear was just in my head, because, how can I have morning sickness if there’s no baby inside? I just want to be alone and miserable.
Later on, I go into the office for another ultrasound. I’m prepared for them to tell me there’s no baby again, and to give me my options. Wasn’t it enough that I already went through this in the ER? It was torture to listen to bad news over and over again. My ob-gyn walks in, does the ultrasound and states, very matter of factly, that the baby was in there. In fact, it was the exact size it should have been, and with a strong heartbeat.
I’m not ecstatic or happy at this point. Again, I’m too damn confused to be ecstatic or happy. I told my doctor that while I’m relieved, I’m not ready to accept it yet. I had just accepted the fact I was going through another miscarriage. My feelings don’t turn themselves around that fast since I needed to rationalize everything first.
For the next couple months, I went to the doctor’s office weekly to make sure things were going the way they were supposed to. They gave me ultrasounds to reassure me things were ok. While the ultrasounds gave me relief and comfort, it would only last a few days, then I would end up worrying and paranoid again. It got to the point that every night before an ultrasound, I would stay up the whole night, or have nightmares they would tell me I lost the baby again. I was so used to bad news that I didn’t know how to react to good news.
In the last weeks of the 1st trimester, our families were anxious to tell the good news to everyone. I wanted to hold off. Until when? Maybe after the baby pops out after 9 months, that’s when I’ll tell everyone the news. Or maybe after he/she graduates college. But good news doesn’t ever stay a secret for long. Once it started leaking out here and there, I couldn’t hide it anymore. In fact, my parents are planning to announce the news to my extended family this weekend. I guess my fear was, in a way, superstitious; that once it started getting out, something bad would happen. I liked having the secret to myself, and maybe that was selfish, but I felt like I could control the situation better that way.
Since I didn’t get to announce the news to people yet (besides my brother and one friend), I wanted to write all this so all the readers know what we’ve been going through the past few months. I can’t imagine what my husband was going through, and he certainly can’t imagine what I was going through. In fact, nobody really knew what I was going through. I’m still not ready to be excited. Once I’m excited, I’m afraid it’ll be taken away again.
The stress has been dissipating. Morning sickness is virtually gone and I’ve arrived successfully into the 2nd trimester. I still curse the ER doctor that gave me that total misdiagnosis. How can one doctor be so sure I would lose the pregnancy, while another doctor was so positive everything was fine? It still bothers me today. Sometimes I daydream that I storm into the ER and punch him in the face.
Here are my first pictures from the ultrasound. I actually have pictures from 7 weeks on, but I don’t think you guys want to see a little tadpole looking thing with an external heart protruding and thumping out of its little tadpole body. As you can see, that’s the profile picture above.
Here is the baby waving. It’s still skinny looking because it hasn’t developed much fat yet. We even saw him/her sucking on his/her thumb.
Aughhhh! What is THAT?! “Take me to your leader…….”
Since most hormonal pregnant women probably tear up and get all mushy when looking at the ultrasound, I mentioned in private to Chris after the doctor left, that the baby carried a slight resemblance to Skeletor. You know, He Man’s half brother or whatever. Chris was like, “Yea! That’s exactly what I was thinking too!!” We laughed. It was the first time we made fun of our baby together. We should be nicer parents.
I hope that I made you laugh after I depressed the hell out of you with our story. I’ll give you updates every now and then, but this will still be a food blog, of course. Have a great weekend everyone.